Why me...

Brokenness...it's what I encounter everyday. I hear it in the music that my co-worker insists on playing loudly in the office. The lyrics haunt me with tales of broken hearts, sad relationships, and misplaced hope. Is that too judgemental? I'm just not one of thes people that can hear the music without the words...I hear every single word...help!

Turn the radio to another station and I hear about brokenness in Egypt, Syria, Chicago, and across the world. Facebook tells me of shattered lives and babies dying and discontent. 

My friend asked me recently...what do you think God is preparing you for? And she listed the places He's called me into over the last 10 years...lives broken by sin yet drawn to a church of messed up people, desperate children in a country struggling with povery and broken by shame, and homes and famlilies torn apart by disaster...natural and human-caused. I have looked into the eyes of the adulteress, the possessed, the defeated, the childless, the traumatized, the lonely, and the beggar and I have seen their pain and wondered so many times why me?

Why do I have the highest possible score on the resiliency test and a low score on ACES? (Meaning the odds that I would survive and thrive in this broken world were high from the moment I was born...great parents, church, medical treatment, education, family, friends and faith.) Why did I have the chance to go to college and buy a home and a car and put together a resume that got me a great job? Why me?

Why am I in these places of ministry? Most days it feels that I have so little to offer and more questions and no answers. Why me instead of someone else? Someone with more confidence and unshakable faith would be better. And someone who never faltered or wondered if God is enough? Someone who always relied on the Holy Spirit would be better...instead of the one who forgets to ask for help until it's too late! Why me?

I didn't have an answer for my friend...I wonder if I ever will! I'd like to escape the brokenness...spend a few more days in denial and forget the stories. But I can't forget the stories and the faces. No matter what corner of this earth we wander on, Africa or the richest suberbs of America, brokenness invades. It's unescapable. Children die, dreams are destroyed, theives steal, parents walk away from their families, tornadoes distroy, and hunger defeats.

BUT then I read this..."And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us....and from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace."(John 1:14, 16) and I know a few of the answers to the questions I ask..Why me? because I have recieved grace upon grace upon grace upon grace. So much grace that I have grace to share. Why me? because children in every corner of this great world need to know that they too have recieved grace upon grace upon grace...that the Word understands their brokenness and pain and HE offers grace upon grace. I have the priveledge of knowing a few and offering them grace upon grace. Hope upon hope. Restoration upon restoration. And there is healing in grace and hope and restoration. Healing that comes in many forms but always through the Word who lived among us and looked into the eyes and held the hands of the adulteress, the possessed, the defeated, the childless, the traumatized, the lonely, the beggar...and ME. Why me? Grace upon Grace!

PS I'm going to try to start writting again. We'll see how long that lasts:) But this ones for you mom!

And if anyone is wondering what I am up to these days...campnoah.org is the answer:)

Leaving

It's been several months already, since I left Sierra Leone. And I've been afraid to write because there hasn't been much to say. It ha been an easy transition in many ways, and I feel like I missed something because everyone seems to expect me to be falling apart. I'm not, the Lord has blessed me with time and space to think and pray and dream, with tender family and friends who are there to listen and pray, with just enough finances to enjoy some of the things that are so "American" but so good--like coffee and fast Internet and hot showers with plenty of water each day and grocery stores filled with variety. I am truly, absolutely blessed. My savior delights in me and has met my needs in ways that I can't even express. It hasn't all been easy or enjoyable though! I keep making driving mistakes...in MN it is NOT okay to skip stop signs, they are NOT suggestions. And there is a paralysis that comes over me when I stare at the seemingly endless choices on a restaurant menu (or restaurant type) and the isle of cereal choices. My garage door doesn't shut and I wish I could ask the security guard to take care of it or my neighbor but I don't have a security guard and I don't know my neighbors! The list could continue but these are surface issues...the ones underneath are about identity and questions oIf failure. They are about job options and calling; about what I really believe and what that means for tomorrow. The answers started a few weeks ago with a statement that the Gospel is good news...duh!...but not just for those who don't yet know Jesus but for those of us who have been following Him for a long time. It is still good news...why? Because I still need to be rescued. I still need a savior! And it continues...I was crying out, begging for answers of what and who and how and the savior said, "Cari, I have the answer, but you are just not ready for it yet...and by the way, I AM the answer."  There have been many other moments in the last few weeks of returning and reminding. I left Sierra Leone early and I am not sure that I will ever return. I hope to, but I am not sure. I went hoping that this was the place, and these were the people God wanted me to serve...and they were for a while...but I clearly was released from there to come here...to what feels like nothing. But it is here that I can define myself by no other thing that Jesus. I wanted to be called to these orphans, to adoption, to fight there but I am not and I am jealous of those that are, of anyone who lives with a conviction to do something that is so strong that they can do nothing else. I have been longing for that.  Several days ago I landed (okay, I was strongly reminded by new friend) that when Peter asked Jesus about John and why his calling and ministry was so different than his own. Jesus said, "what is that to you? YOU follow me." I so want to be called to something other than this place of wrestling right now. I feel left out of the work of the Kingdom and like I am missing something; why can't I be more like them Lord? Is this wrestling and leaving full of lies and excuses or is there something different for me? And he says "What's that to you? You follow me! I am big enough to accomplish multiple agendas in multiple arenas over time with all kinds of people. An you are not "called" to anything other than FOLLOW ME and I will lead you to the poor, the orphan, the widow, the Somali's who spend their days at Starbucks too, the immigrant who works at Walmart, the neighbor who you think is weird and a big scary. I will lead you to where and who and how BUT you must follow ME!" So, do I really believe that Jesus is the hope of my soul as well as the hope of the world? That HE is the answer? Then I can trust that this wrestling and uncertainty is right where I need to be and that if I am following HIM I won't miss the details around who and how and where. And I am that person of conviction that I long to be...excitd and curious about what the power of the Holy Sprit is doing all over the world to draw people to Jesus Christ. He is on the move and He won't leave me to wrestle forever. I am going to get the opportunity to be apart of it again! Right now though I need to hear "I AM the answer! YOU follow me."