Leaving

It's been several months already, since I left Sierra Leone. And I've been afraid to write because there hasn't been much to say. It ha been an easy transition in many ways, and I feel like I missed something because everyone seems to expect me to be falling apart. I'm not, the Lord has blessed me with time and space to think and pray and dream, with tender family and friends who are there to listen and pray, with just enough finances to enjoy some of the things that are so "American" but so good--like coffee and fast Internet and hot showers with plenty of water each day and grocery stores filled with variety. I am truly, absolutely blessed. My savior delights in me and has met my needs in ways that I can't even express. It hasn't all been easy or enjoyable though! I keep making driving mistakes...in MN it is NOT okay to skip stop signs, they are NOT suggestions. And there is a paralysis that comes over me when I stare at the seemingly endless choices on a restaurant menu (or restaurant type) and the isle of cereal choices. My garage door doesn't shut and I wish I could ask the security guard to take care of it or my neighbor but I don't have a security guard and I don't know my neighbors! The list could continue but these are surface issues...the ones underneath are about identity and questions oIf failure. They are about job options and calling; about what I really believe and what that means for tomorrow. The answers started a few weeks ago with a statement that the Gospel is good news...duh!...but not just for those who don't yet know Jesus but for those of us who have been following Him for a long time. It is still good news...why? Because I still need to be rescued. I still need a savior! And it continues...I was crying out, begging for answers of what and who and how and the savior said, "Cari, I have the answer, but you are just not ready for it yet...and by the way, I AM the answer."  There have been many other moments in the last few weeks of returning and reminding. I left Sierra Leone early and I am not sure that I will ever return. I hope to, but I am not sure. I went hoping that this was the place, and these were the people God wanted me to serve...and they were for a while...but I clearly was released from there to come here...to what feels like nothing. But it is here that I can define myself by no other thing that Jesus. I wanted to be called to these orphans, to adoption, to fight there but I am not and I am jealous of those that are, of anyone who lives with a conviction to do something that is so strong that they can do nothing else. I have been longing for that.  Several days ago I landed (okay, I was strongly reminded by new friend) that when Peter asked Jesus about John and why his calling and ministry was so different than his own. Jesus said, "what is that to you? YOU follow me." I so want to be called to something other than this place of wrestling right now. I feel left out of the work of the Kingdom and like I am missing something; why can't I be more like them Lord? Is this wrestling and leaving full of lies and excuses or is there something different for me? And he says "What's that to you? You follow me! I am big enough to accomplish multiple agendas in multiple arenas over time with all kinds of people. An you are not "called" to anything other than FOLLOW ME and I will lead you to the poor, the orphan, the widow, the Somali's who spend their days at Starbucks too, the immigrant who works at Walmart, the neighbor who you think is weird and a big scary. I will lead you to where and who and how BUT you must follow ME!" So, do I really believe that Jesus is the hope of my soul as well as the hope of the world? That HE is the answer? Then I can trust that this wrestling and uncertainty is right where I need to be and that if I am following HIM I won't miss the details around who and how and where. And I am that person of conviction that I long to be...excitd and curious about what the power of the Holy Sprit is doing all over the world to draw people to Jesus Christ. He is on the move and He won't leave me to wrestle forever. I am going to get the opportunity to be apart of it again! Right now though I need to hear "I AM the answer! YOU follow me."