Why me...

Brokenness...it's what I encounter everyday. I hear it in the music that my co-worker insists on playing loudly in the office. The lyrics haunt me with tales of broken hearts, sad relationships, and misplaced hope. Is that too judgemental? I'm just not one of thes people that can hear the music without the words...I hear every single word...help!

Turn the radio to another station and I hear about brokenness in Egypt, Syria, Chicago, and across the world. Facebook tells me of shattered lives and babies dying and discontent. 

My friend asked me recently...what do you think God is preparing you for? And she listed the places He's called me into over the last 10 years...lives broken by sin yet drawn to a church of messed up people, desperate children in a country struggling with povery and broken by shame, and homes and famlilies torn apart by disaster...natural and human-caused. I have looked into the eyes of the adulteress, the possessed, the defeated, the childless, the traumatized, the lonely, and the beggar and I have seen their pain and wondered so many times why me?

Why do I have the highest possible score on the resiliency test and a low score on ACES? (Meaning the odds that I would survive and thrive in this broken world were high from the moment I was born...great parents, church, medical treatment, education, family, friends and faith.) Why did I have the chance to go to college and buy a home and a car and put together a resume that got me a great job? Why me?

Why am I in these places of ministry? Most days it feels that I have so little to offer and more questions and no answers. Why me instead of someone else? Someone with more confidence and unshakable faith would be better. And someone who never faltered or wondered if God is enough? Someone who always relied on the Holy Spirit would be better...instead of the one who forgets to ask for help until it's too late! Why me?

I didn't have an answer for my friend...I wonder if I ever will! I'd like to escape the brokenness...spend a few more days in denial and forget the stories. But I can't forget the stories and the faces. No matter what corner of this earth we wander on, Africa or the richest suberbs of America, brokenness invades. It's unescapable. Children die, dreams are destroyed, theives steal, parents walk away from their families, tornadoes distroy, and hunger defeats.

BUT then I read this..."And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us....and from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace."(John 1:14, 16) and I know a few of the answers to the questions I ask..Why me? because I have recieved grace upon grace upon grace upon grace. So much grace that I have grace to share. Why me? because children in every corner of this great world need to know that they too have recieved grace upon grace upon grace...that the Word understands their brokenness and pain and HE offers grace upon grace. I have the priveledge of knowing a few and offering them grace upon grace. Hope upon hope. Restoration upon restoration. And there is healing in grace and hope and restoration. Healing that comes in many forms but always through the Word who lived among us and looked into the eyes and held the hands of the adulteress, the possessed, the defeated, the childless, the traumatized, the lonely, the beggar...and ME. Why me? Grace upon Grace!

PS I'm going to try to start writting again. We'll see how long that lasts:) But this ones for you mom!

And if anyone is wondering what I am up to these days...campnoah.org is the answer:)